A Single Moment

It only takes a single moment and I fall again. If I’ve just felt happy because something worked out the way I wanted, or at least, for once, I had no reason to hate the world and everyone in it, a second later, I plunge back into the same old, worn-out abyss. And each time, it becomes a little harder to climb out. I’m either drenched in the joy of existence, or nothing makes sense, and it feels like it would be better if I disappeared from the face of the earth. How did everything start to suck again when things were going so well just moments ago? It’s black or white, emotional extremes. There’s no middle ground, no safety net. I either soar or I crash.

What I thought was safe, good, and untouched by negative thoughts suddenly comes under scrutiny again. I start to ponder, to doubt, questioning everything I’d once taken for granted. Mistrust wraps itself around me like a heavy cloak, tightening slowly until it presses me to the ground - where I belong. Was that random comment from the girl I like really meant to be kind? The tone seemed too ironic, the look too mocking. Could it be that everything she’s ever said to me or about me wasn’t sincere? Is there any real proof that we get along well? She’s probably just making fun of me. In the end, she’s like everyone else.

Now I have no choice but to get to the bottom of it before it’s too late. Sometimes, this spiral starts when she doesn’t reply to a message that’s totally casual, funny, and not at all laced with self-doubt. Then I’m back on the same rollercoaster ride I’ve been before, stuck in the same thought loops I keep trying to break - unsuccessfully. I take the same mental paths and always arrive at the same realization: I’m not worth it. I’m not worth having friends. I’m not worthy of love. I’m not worth being attractive. I’m not worthy of being taken seriously. I’m not worthy of success. I’m not worthy of equality. I’m not worthy of happiness. Everyone else is. Except me.