Rewired

The weekend’s over and I made it through. Went to Flo’s birthday party for like twenty minutes yesterday and realized it wasn’t going to happen, so I bailed and spent the night driving around the city with Eniz and Ali instead. We ended up at the old playground on Zugspitzstraße, where we basically lived as kids, and just sat there talking about how everything used to feel simpler.

Most of today was better. Played Super Smash Bros. Melee until my hands hurt, with Eniz and Ali and their friends Isi and Romi and Mille. Tried some new classes in World of Warcraft, ate pizza, the usual. I’m just hoping this week is actually done now.

Been rewriting some of the stuff I’ve been trying to live by, because none of it’s working anymore. There was that thing about never giving more than you get back, which I thought was smart but actually just made me paranoid and kept me dependent on other people. So I changed it to something stupider and truer: just be honest about what you feel and don’t perform something else. Same with that thing about happiness coming to people who smile. You can’t smile all the time. Sometimes you’re furious or you just don’t care, and pretending otherwise is exhausting. The actual rule: feel what you feel and own it.

The bigger thing I’ve been working out is that you can’t hedge forever. You pick something and go with it, or you stay in the same place. And you can’t swallow how you feel to keep everyone else comfortable. So you just stay true to whatever that is and see what happens. Maybe that’s obvious but I’m only just getting it.