Still Here Anyway

I’m the kind of person who doubles down when I feel wronged. It’s defensive and stupid and it breaks things, and I’ve spent enough years doing it to know better. But knowing and doing are different problems.

She’s patient with it in a way that makes me resent myself more than she could ever resent me. She just keeps being there instead of rightfully deciding I’m not worth the trouble. That patience should be a wake-up call, and sometimes it is, and sometimes I just use it as license to do the same thing again.

I don’t think the story here is that she’s strong and I need fixing. It’s more that being around someone who sees right through your bullshit and hasn’t left yet makes you want to stop being so much bullshit. Not out of obligation, but out of something like respect for what she’s tolerating.

There’s this dry laugh she does when I’m being ridiculous. It cuts through everything. It’s not unkind, it’s clear. She’s saying without saying that she sees exactly what’s happening and she’s still choosing to be here.

I’ll probably mess this up again in some way I haven’t thought of yet. That’s just who I am. But I wanted to mark down that I see it now, that she’s rare, that I’m lucky. That’s the thing I meant to actually say.