Spring

I’m the kind of person who lets most things pass by without thinking much about it. Childish sometimes, naive more often, emotionally checked out most of the time. But heartbreak is the one thing I can’t handle at all. I know the rules. My friends have been saying them for weeks. Forget her. Distract yourself. Move on. There are other girls. She wasn’t worth it. I know it’s all true. I believe most of it. But I miss her. The space next to me is empty. And I don’t know what comes next.

Spring arrived in Berlin and everything turned bright and stupid. I walk through the park near my apartment, Kelly Clarkson and The Veronicas pouring into my ears, one breakup song after another. My thoughts won’t quit. I bought a new phone but I’m still carrying the old one in my pocket. Two weeks now, just because of her. Waiting for it to vibrate. Waiting for her to text. At home I barely leave my laptop, refreshing StudiVZ over and over, hoping maybe she’s written something. I’ve hit rock bottom. I still don’t know what to do.

Everything is pointless without her. I hate Berlin now. She was Berlin for me—the reason any of this mattered. When we broke up I wanted to leave immediately, go home, but Becca talked me out of it and she was right, it would be stupid to throw away this chance because of one girl. But heartbreak is the only serious thing in the world right now. It’s the only lethal thing. And I’m waiting to find out if I’ll survive it.