Guardian

Rain came where sun was. It happens. But I found myself thinking about you—the way weather does that sometimes, shifts something in the air and suddenly you’re just there. All those plans still hanging there unrealized. We were going to watch that panda movie. Take over London. Get drunk on red wine and fall asleep in each other’s arms like we were too lazy to move. I have the song we used to play on loop all night because getting up seemed impossible. Sometimes I still put it on.

Where are you? That’s the thing that doesn’t get answered. Are you okay? Laughing somewhere? Rattling around as some kind of ghost, being the troublemaker you always were? You had this way of keeping me sharp, keeping me moving. I didn’t realize how much I needed that until you weren’t here.

I’ve wanted to scream at you. How could you. The thought of it brings the headaches back. I’ve been through it all—the rage, the tears, the sickness, acceptance, then cycling through it all again—and that void you left just won’t close. Not an inch.

But I know where I landed with it. You’re my guardian angel now, wherever you ended up. That actually lets me breathe. Lets me smile. And you stupid bitch, why did you have to die.