Pig Seeking Cleaner

I’m basically a pig. I mean that literally - I live like one. Beer bottles, dirty socks breeding under furniture, bananas rotting into something unidentifiable on the kitchen counter, dishes that have achieved sentience through sheer neglect. And I’m okay with it. The mess is comfortable. It’s the natural state when you live alone and don’t care.

The problem is when someone else shows up. Unexpected guests who have to walk into what I’ve created here and realize they’re standing in the presence of an actual slob. You can see it in their face - that moment of understanding. So despite the fact that I genuinely prefer living this way, I’ve decided I should probably do something about it. Not for me. For them. For whoever has to sit on my couch and pretend they’re not thinking about what’s under the cushions.

So I’m looking for someone specific. Someone who knows what a cleaning cloth is. Someone who thinks toilets can never be clean enough. Someone who looks at dirty dishes like they’re a personal enemy. Ideally like Berta from Two and a Half Men - all mouth, no mercy. Someone big and blonde would be nice. Someone competent who can walk in here with a bucket and actually fix this.

I’m aware of how this sounds. The crude part about what I want. The crude part about how I live. I’m not hiding it. This is just what I am - someone comfortable living in filth, too lazy to change, and honest enough to admit it. If you’re the type who can’t stand a mess, who sees dirt as a personal affront, who’d actually take this job: find me.