Lil’ Amy’s Big Adventures

Amy had finally had enough of being the logo for some second-rate website, standing in the same place day after day, hand in her crotch. She still dreamed about Hannah’s distraction entry sometimes—dreamed about it at night and woke up thinking about it. So she grabbed her two best friends, Waldo (a clever magical dildo) and Mort (a zombie bride who was always depressed), and the three of them moved into a döner place where they could fight against the Klabautermann, this evil creature from German folklore whose name nobody could actually say.

One day Hermione Granger—Waldo’s old owner—showed up at their door. You have to help me, she said, and she wasn’t joking around. Amy and the crew put down their döner sauce and paid attention. The Klabautermann took my enchanted cat. I can’t sleep without her. Please bring her back. So Amy nodded and got Waldo and Mort, and they climbed into the döner time machine. It made this humming, hissing sound as time just blurred past them. When they came out the other side and opened their eyes, there was a mailbox standing there. An actual talking mailbox. Greetings, strangers, it said. You’ve arrived at just the right moment to—