Marcel Winatschek

Mom, Can I Fuck the Cat?

People will try to have sex with anything. Not as some grand philosophical observation—literally. Put a human alone with an object and something’s going in somewhere. Cucumbers, toothbrushes, bottles. Whatever fits, whatever works, whatever gets the thing done and then you spend hours feeling gross about it.

Vice Magazine apparently decided to document this impulse, which is absolutely on brand for them. They got people to strip down and systematically test objects, rate them like some deranged consumer report. Toothbrush vibrates: fine. Cucumber snaps: disappointing. Cat purrs. All supposedly scientific. All supposedly serious.

Watching them do this made me think about American Pie, which is basically the same exact impulse stretched across a feature film—kids, desperation, objects, the comedy of watching someone fumble around trying not to feel completely alone. Except American Pie had craft services and a studio behind it, which somehow made the whole thing feel slightly less bleak.