The Farewell
He crumpled in front of me, howling and gasping for breath. Paula cheered, her face bright with joy, and I felt something lift inside me. It was dark and cold, but I glowed from the inside out. So free. Such a victory. Johnny twisted his face in pain while his brain-dead friends stared at me like paralyzed rabbits. I had nothing left to lose and they knew it. He wailed.
The train was leaving. I grabbed my backpack and started running—away from my old life, from Johnny, from everyone. He yelled after me, something about killing me, and we jumped on just as the doors slammed shut. Then we were moving, heading somewhere new. I was so relieved I fell to my knees and started crying.
Paula was my best friend. She took up space the way people do when they’re not afraid of themselves—big energy, bigger heart. I loved her like I’d never loved anyone, loved her in that way where you’d give your life without thinking about it. When I opened my eyes we were locked in each other’s arms. Outside the window, trees and mountains and houses blurred past us. I buried myself in her lilac sweater, which smelled like roses, and breathed in deep. How much longer?
I asked. A few hours,
she said. Fuck.
When we got to Berlin Hauptbahnhof we went straight to Burger King. We were tired, wired with relief, and we ordered the greasiest thing on the menu—bacon, large fries, the works. We sat there reveling in our newfound freedom. I was happy, actually happy.
Paula smiled and said I could go to the bathroom if I needed to, she’d wait for me here. I went. When I came back, she was gone. At first I thought it was a joke, kept smiling, tried to play it cool. But she wasn’t behind any corner. She wasn’t anywhere. The panic came slow at first, then faster. I walked the station—every platform, every shop, every corner—looking for her. She had my phone. I found a payphone with my last few coins and called home, explained what had happened, told my mother I needed help. She just laughed. Said it was my own fault, that I should figure it out myself, something about making my own bed. Everything spun. I ended up on my hands and knees calling Paula’s name over and over, but she didn’t hear me.