Avril Lavigne, I’m Coming
I’ve booked flights to America. Packed condoms and fresh underwear. Basically all I need now is my smile and the ability to comfort a heartbroken woman. After six years of voodoo spells and systematic bad luck directed at celebrity relationships, Avril Lavigne is finally single.
She announced it on her blog—said she and Deryck Whibley, the Sum 41 singer, split recently but respects him more than anyone else in the world. That’s sweet. Everyone who watched MTV in the 2000s knows that when two rock stars try dating, you’re just watching a countdown. Schedules conflict. Egos won’t bend. It never lasts.
I feel for them both. But I’ve been in love with Avril my entire life, so I’m not wasting this. The plan is straightforward: show up at her birthday party, jump naked out of a cake, and play Complicated
on the ukulele. She’ll understand what that means. She’ll realize someone’s been waiting.
Maybe it’s all a publicity push for her next album. Maybe I’m completely insane. Doesn’t matter. I’m already on a plane headed her way. Avril Lavigne, I’m coming!