Right Now
The thing about always having someone around is that you never actually have to make a choice. There’s just… someone. And then someone else. And you start to wonder if you’re the problem or if you’re just looking for something that doesn’t actually exist. I’m tired of wondering. I want to know what it feels like to stay, even if it doesn’t last forever.
Here’s what won’t work: someone obsessed with his own image, endlessly considering which coffee shop has the right aesthetic, unable to commit to anything concrete. No more guys who agonize over their vintage collection like it’s a life decision. I need someone who knows what she wants, full stop. No hedging, no let me think about it.
Just know something and own it.
The small stuff gets me. If I give you something—I actually thought about it, picked it out because I thought of you—and you don’t wear it, I get this quiet, cold anger that sticks around. Same with the little betrayals: the mess you leave, the way you ignore me on the phone, the chronic flakiness. I don’t fight about it. I just leave.
I’m not romantic. Flowers die. Candles are a fire hazard. What I actually want is someone who remembers the specific things I like and shows up when she says she will. No apologies, no managing my feelings, just directness.
I’m contradictory, which is probably why nothing sticks. I care about style and how things look and feel, but I’m not pretentious about it. I can get genuinely invested in old football matches, then spend money on things that have nothing to do with being practical or having taste. I don’t need you to understand it.
The thing I’m after is someone real. Not trying to be someone. Not still figuring themselves out. Someone who wants to be here because they actually want to be, not because they’re bored or between things. I’m not naive. I know I’m fickle—I’ve never really been alone, so maybe that’s just what I am. But maybe I’ve been fickle because I haven’t met someone worth not being fickle for. So right now, I want that. Not forever. Just now.