Ten Little Missions

I keep getting emails from people saying the missions are too hard. Nobody can do that, they say. You’d have to be superhuman. They’re right. So I decided to lower the difficulty this time. Make it fair. Just kidding.

Turn off the internet and wait for CNN to report something bad. Extra points if civilians are involved. Jump in a bathtub with someone and see what happens—sex, clean toes, the pointless ecology of it all. Put on Chocolate Rain again. Still works. Prank some bloggers while you’re at it. That’s how you make money now. Look up the word reibach and think about why we even have a word for it.

Skip the coke this weekend. Speed’s more reliable if you’re going in that direction. Binge all of Friends and feel your consciousness dissolve. Rescue someone from something. Download the Dave Sitek remix of Lykke Li’s I Follow Rivers—it’s free and it’s good. Donate twenty bucks to whatever. Some cause. Just do it.

That’s the list. Half of it’s jokes. Most of it’s stupid. Some of it might be good. Probably not.