Flowers, Chocolate, Dildos
Valentine’s Day is the perfect con. Flowers and chocolate and whatever those double dildos are supposed to do—it drains couples of their money while it drains singles of their sanity. Couples feel obligated to buy love. Singles feel broken for not having anyone to buy love for, so we buy extra ice cream and get pets and fantasize about violence.
Of course I want what everyone wants. A relationship. Someone who actually loves me. Regular sex. A partner who makes life feel like it matters, who loves me anyway despite how badly I fuck up the world.
We could walk through the park together, kick small dogs into the lake, scream at the sun. Meet her parents and turn completely red trying to explain what I do for a living—something on the internet, nothing real. Probably shit myself from sheer terror in front of them. But it would be worth it.
I’d spend years in bed with her. Every filthy thing I’ve learned from exes and late-night internet searches, we’d work through together. The neighbors would bang on the walls. The pillow would split open. Weeks of fast food, months of cheap wine, years of just her.
We’d stumble into the streets eventually—bloody mouths, soaked clothes, delirious with the miracle of it. That this one person, out of billions, landed here with me. That we learned love together. Real love. I’d look at her and feel like I was dying. Let me stay in this. We belong together. She’d nod and smile.
Of course she’d cheat with her personal trainer and drive off to Belgium in the middle of the night, but that’s fine. I got to suck on her toes while she did homework. I got to show her the videos I made. Maybe it was never going to work anyway.
So I sit here hating Valentine’s Day because no one’s sending me a homemade card full of love and nudes. Because other people are happy and getting laid and the world apparently still believes in tenderness. Go ahead and celebrate the worst holiday ever invented, gorge yourself on flowers and chocolate. I’m going to sign up for a dating service. Then I’m going to burn something down.