Ten Missions

Your internet dies, so what—don’t just sit around irritated. Pick ten things to do instead. Dishes. Your room. Something decent for someone else. You weren’t going to do any of it anyway, so use the outage as your excuse.

Weekends are too short for actual productivity, so commit to absurd missions instead. Go to Fashion Week on acid and suddenly the clothes make perfect sense and everything looks incredible. Share gifs constantly until you’re communicating purely in images. Find some disease you’ve never heard of, the kind where your skin tries to grow a second version of itself, and read the whole thing. It matters that you know these things exist.

Hand a kid to someone important and yell You can keep him, he’s basically the Antichrist, then run like hell.

New features are always rolling out somewhere. Be the insufferable person in your group who gets them first. It’s completely meaningless but it’s still something.

Stop doing coke. That one’s not a mission—that’s something you actually have to do, and your grandmother is genuinely sad about it.

Go to a party wearing something that invites touch. Keep a napkin count. By the time midnight hits the handwriting’s illegible and eventually you lose the napkin entirely.

Seduce a fashion blogger. You know exactly which one. You’ve been thinking about it for months.

Walk up to random strangers and ask if you can buy them something. Coffee. A meal. Whatever they need. Most will say no and back away slowly. One might say yes, and then you’ll have changed the entire shape of their day for absolutely no reason.

That’s ten. The last one you already know about. The one everyone knows about. Do it anyway, or don’t—but you know you should stop.