Weekend Missions

Here we are. Another weekend right on schedule. Your freedom’s waiting—no school, no work, no TV network controlling what you think about yourself. One more episode of something and you’ll crack the code to everything. You won’t, but the thought’s nice anyway.

If actually improving your life sounds too exhausting, there are smaller games to play. Eat McNuggets until your body quits and somehow land yourself in a newspaper for it. Send Twitter an angry email about how stupid their censorship is, then spend the next day tweeting about the email you sent them. Buy a Nintendo 3DS finally, before Mario and Luigi get genuinely upset at you. Shop exclusively at Urban Outfitters in Berlin from now on—don’t mind that you’ll look exactly like every other totally unique person shopping there.

Try the menstrual product alternative just to have done it, even though you’re not built for it. Leave the church and start your own small sect. Orgies, virgin sacrifices, we’ll bring the beer. Go find Hannah on Facebook and tell her how much you love her, how great she is—she needs to hear that sometimes. Dig out those magazines from ten years ago and spend some time remembering Rachel Stevens. It’s allowed.

Sell your real opinions for fifty euros on eBay and go back to being the hollow consumer the TV networks always designed you to be. Or skip all of it and just do that last thing with your sister. What happens between you stays between you.