Weekend Missions

First week of the year wasn’t completely awful. Came in drunk, sure, but the days had a nice drift to them. Now it’s the weekend—if you’re not completely exhausted, here are some genuinely stupid things worth trying.

Answer the Sternsingers wearing nothing but an Aldi bag on your head while you hum Michael Jackson. Shake your genitals. They won’t come back. Listen to Genesis by Grimes and just accept that it’s good she exists. Move to Sweden. Join the Church of File-Sharing. Call it a life won. Fight the Barbification trend by posting only completely unedited photos. Start something new: the courage to be naturally ugly. Breathe quieter.

Buy Futurama Monopoly and tell your mom she’s still got laundry, still needs to bake cookies in the basement, still has to fetch you acne cream. Use your middle finger more. Point it at anyone who annoys you. Point it at everyone else too.

Check out Una’s Tits if you’re somehow in Antarctica. Accept that you’re not indie. You’re just a slut in a grandma sweater. Surrender to the simple beauty of really good black and white photos.