The Hobbit

I went to see The Hobbit with someone who’d never really heard English before—or that’s what it seemed like, the way she kept leaning over asking What does that mean? at crucial plot points. Dwarves. Scum. Precious. My neighbor kept braying at all the wrong moments, these terrible laughs that made me genuinely wish 48fps would do something useful for once. That was the theater experience.

The movie is just popcorn entertainment dressed up as epic fantasy, which is fine. I’m a casual Lord of the Rings fan. I know the basic shape: ring, Frodo, Gollum, huge battles. Everything else dissolves within twenty minutes. Names, places, major events—all gone. I walked out of the last film having already forgotten half the character deaths.

But the logic keeps tripping me up. Stupid, avoidable logic. Every time I watch one of these, I hit this moment where nobody thinks around the obvious solution. Gandalf summons giant eagles constantly, so why walk anywhere? A magic inscription only shows under specific moonlight, and wouldn’t you know it, that exact moment arrives right when they need it. Massive magic waves incinerate thousands of orcs without a problem, but then ten wargs appear and everyone’s stuck in a tree yelling for help. If I’d been Tolkien’s editor, I would’ve had words.

Still, I liked watching it. I’m curious how it continues, though I haven’t read the book and never will—I’m too lazy. I just assume the dragon’s not actually the problem. The dwarves grew on me, and the humor worked, even when people said it shouldn’t. Bilbo’s definitely cooler than Frodo. Much cooler.

If you liked Lord of the Rings, you’ll like The Hobbit. It’s the same film basically, just cleaner and with more of everything. The only thing that would make me actually satisfied is a female character worth watching. Three hours of dwarves moving through forests gets old, no matter how much you like this stuff.