Holiday Missions

The world didn’t end. Christmas is still coming, and if you don’t have plans or gifts to worry about, you’re just sitting around. So you make a list.

Order pizza on Christmas Eve and cut it exactly the way you want—not some standard way. Give everyone you know a puppy as a gift just to see what happens. Charge people a dollar for every message they send you on Facebook since apparently it’s supposed to be free. Decorate your coworker’s desk on their birthday and then just leave it like that. Get high without anyone’s commentary on it, since marijuana doesn’t turn you into a zombie like alcohol does. Build actually funny snowmen with your little siblings. Watch old Pokémon episodes that hold up.

Go to church with your parents and kiss everyone on the forehead, tell them their sins are forgiven. Either they’ll appreciate it or they’ll flee screaming. Sleep with your hot cousin if you’ve been thinking about it since you were five—you probably have. Steal someone’s entire LEGO collection and mail it to me because I miss having LEGO. Just take it all.

It’s stupid and pointless, which is kind of what being around family at Christmas actually is anyway.