Weekend Missions

It’s Friday evening and you’ve done nothing to prepare for the weekend, which means you’ll probably do the same things you always do. Hours will pass, days will blur, and you’ll forget any of it happened, which is how most of your life goes if you’re not paying attention.

Here’s ten things you could do instead, or not.

One: buy Facebook stock so in forty years you at least have an answer for why you’re not rich. Two: hunt the secret rainbow-pony level in Diablo 3 all weekend. Find it and you’ve earned permission to quit and maybe go outside. Three: read those articles about your childhood that destroy you. Sit with the regret. Four: just stop reading. Five: run everywhere with your arms straight up in the air for three entire days.

Six: listen to what people from nowhere towns think about the city. Seven: look at pictures of girls with perfect stomachs until you feel dead inside, then look at your actual body and accept it. Eight: tell your dad you know he’s not actually out with his buddies, and try to blackmail him into a car and Xbox. Nine: order Big Brother season one and watch all of it. Nothing better on TV anyway. Ten: mix your coke with food coloring and let it dry. Rainbow party deluxe.

You get to the bottom of the list and realize none of it matters. The weekend will pass the same way it always does. But at least you read the part about the cocaine, which is the joke.