Gods and Kings

Sometime in autumn I opened the courtyard window for the first time in a week. I was wearing just boxers, pizza crusted into my beard. On the monitor next to me I’d just finished conquering the entire planet. I felt like Napoleon, Caesar, and Hitler all at once—and looked like a rotten sex offender.

Civ IV had beaten me. After ten minutes of useless clicking around I gave up and went back to jerking around. Then boredom hit hard and I downloaded Civilization V off Steam out of pure desperation, and suddenly there was this whole world to discover and research and take over. It was absolutely epic. The delivery services made a killing off me the entire time.

Gods and Kings is out now—the first expansion. Tons of new achievements, religious zealots, wonders, new civilizations. I just throw my little Japanese units at whoever stands in my way and watch them crumble. You can attack coastal cities from the sea now, send spies into other nations, trade in citrus. There are guilds and fresh units, police stations, air raid shelters, amphitheaters. Just so much stuff to click on and watch unfold. The game shows you what kind of person you really are—whether you’re weak or whether you’re an emperor.

I’m deep in it again. World domination as a form of practice. Strategy, occupation, victory—these are things that need to be exercised. And when I’m eventually your untouchable dictator, you’ll know exactly who to blame. Now kneel.