Weekend Missions

I perpetually forget to compile these until Friday afternoon, or I’m too lazy and would rather shove chocolate donuts in my mouth. But here we are anyway.

Find the fifty cutest things that ever made it on camera and then hold whoever’s nearest to you with force that actually matters. Sing the national anthem in a church. Sing it in a waiting room at the doctor’s office. Sing it in front of a kebab stand. Commit fully and see what happens. Think about the worst video game you ever randomly played and then kick the person standing next to you directly in the crotch. Do it on purpose. Start your own religion. Money and sex are guaranteed. The ending will be spectacular. Steal food from one supermarket and stock it in another.

Try to look cool when you’re actually coming. Put a mirror in front of you, wear something you’d want someone to see you in, and follow through whether you’re alone or someone else is there. Launch a YouTube news channel about things maybe one percent of humanity cares about. Air conditioning on Korean oil rigs. Apple juice expired April 23rd, 2011. Cotton swabs with unequal cotton on each end. Coverage so specific it’s almost pointless. Drop bags of coke in every neighbor’s mailbox. Generosity. Cosmic karma. Buy a pristine Nokia 3210 still sealed in its original box. That’s the smartest money you can spend. And the last one: do whatever you’ve actually wanted to do with someone who actually wants to do it.

That’s the ten. That’s the weekend.