Shave Them Titties

I’ve done plenty of transgressive shit in virtual worlds that would never hold up in actual court. Shot old men off bicycles and danced on their bodies. Wiped out entire neighborhoods because I wanted to build a stupid reactor there instead. As a gay spaceship captain, I seduced extraterrestrials in my quarters decorated with dead fish. But this game? This is actually new for me.

Some guy named Mr. Boonstra (what kind of name is that, and what kind of world do I live in?) programmed a game called Shave Them Titties. The premise is simple: there’s a pair of hanging breasts, and they’re hairier than your armpits get when you ignore personal hygiene through a whole winter. Your goal is to shave them. That’s it.

I’m still not entirely sure what the point even is. Maybe it’s a practical simulation—training wheels for when you’ve got hair growing in places you don’t want it. Maybe it satisfies some fetish gap I didn’t know existed. Maybe there’s no point at all and that’s somehow the whole thing. Whatever. Games exist to be won, and I’ve played weirder games for less reason, so let’s get to it. Shave them titties.