How Not to Completely Fuck This Up
Germany’s in full panic about teenagers sexting, which is hilarious because the public alarm just taught a bunch of kids who weren’t thinking about it that this is apparently something you can do. Congratulations, authorities.
I know enough people who’ve done this, seen enough leaked pictures, heard enough stories, to know that nearly everyone completely botches it. Not in a moral sense—I mean technically incompetent. The photos are just bad. So I’ve spent enough time thinking about what would actually make them less bad.
The main issue is that people look like they didn’t try. Celebrity nudes that leak are usually terrible—fluorescent bathroom lighting, worst possible angle, looks like they got surprised mid-shower. If you’re already committed to taking a naked picture of yourself, the bare minimum is to not look like a disaster. Shower. Find decent light. Not the bathroom mirror at 2am where you’re deathly pale, but something that actually works. Groom yourself. Use a real camera if you have one, but your phone works fine if you’re not shooting in the dark.
But the bigger issue is the performing. Most bad nudes I’ve heard about have someone trying way too hard to look sexy,
which just reads as unhinged. Weird angles, weird face, over-the-top posing. The only thing that reads as attractive is comfort, which means you have to actually feel comfortable. Stand there like you exist as a person. Let your face be in the frame. The whole point is that it’s you.
Your background matters in a way that’s easy to ignore. A room full of dirty laundry, empty cans, your general disaster—it doesn’t matter how good your body looks if the background is screaming that you live like an animal. Find a clean corner. A clean bathroom works. It’s straightforward.
The technical stuff barely matters. Use a real camera if you want; a pixelated dick pic is just sad. But your phone’s fine. Polaroid actually works if you want to pretend it’s art, which has a certain charm.
How much to show is up to you. Start with whatever you’re comfortable with. The face changes everything. Not sure why exactly, but it does.
Don’t Photoshop yourself. You’ll distort the background and it’ll be obvious. Either shoot in a way that hides what bothers you, or accept your body. Black and white works. Normal bodies are fine.
Take a ton of photos. Find the angle where you don’t immediately regret everything, then delete all the others. Actually delete them—off your phone, your computer, your cloud backup, everywhere. Future you will be grateful.
Once you’ve done it a few times and aren’t terrified, stop being so formal. Get weird with it. Props, strange locations, something that feels like you’re having fun instead of performing. Get a trusted friend to help if you have one.
Here’s the thing though: if you send nudes, accept that they might not stay private. Angry ex, cloud syncing wrong, wrong group chat. You have to be okay with that possibility before you even take the picture. Not okay with your family seeing it, maybe, but okay with the fact that it exists somewhere beyond your control.
And that’s fine. A naked body is just a body. Everyone has one. What actually matters is whether you feel good about it—whether you’re doing this because you actually want to, not because you’re desperate or trying to prove something. Everything else is just technical execution.