Stop Sending Me Dick Pics
Some Krautchan user made a thread asking if I’d deliver,
which I still don’t know what that means. Doesn’t really matter though - now I’m getting unsolicited dick pictures from random guys across Germany who apparently think that’s going to work on me.
It won’t.
For context, Krautchan is basically Germany’s answer to 4chan. It’s where Bundeswehr dropouts, school skippers, and guys who failed English class all congregate under the name Bernd
so they feel less alone. Someone made a thread about me, and now every horny idiot with an email address thinks sending me his cock is a viable strategy for getting my attention.
I actually like penises. I really do. Could be any size, any shape, any particular angle or aesthetic - they’re interesting things. But there’s a massive difference between the cock attached to someone you actually want to spend time with, and the cock attached to some random internet stranger who found your email on a forum.
Here’s what these guys don’t understand: attraction doesn’t work like a menu you can order from. You can’t just hit send on your best dick pic and expect me to suddenly want you. I’m not going to be interested in your body until I’m interested in you as a person.
And random unsolicited nudes do the exact opposite - they make me want to pull together a group chat with my friends and laugh about the angle you chose, the sad bathroom tiles behind you, the sheer desperation of thinking this was ever going to work.
The pathetic part is how confident they are. They see someone online, they find an email, and they think this is a legitimate opener. Like anyone’s ever been like, Oh wow, I got a random dick pic from a stranger and now I’m in love.
It doesn’t happen. It never happens. What happens is exactly what I just described - mockery.
So here’s what I need you all to understand: if you’re on Krautchan, you’re already out. If you think sending me pictures of your genitals is going to impress me, you’re out. Keep your dick in your pants or find someone who’s actually getting paid to look at it. Someone with a much lower bar and significantly more financial need.