Ten Stupid Weekend Ideas

That point on Friday where your brain stops working and you start thinking about the most pointless ways to spend the next 48 hours. Here’s what I came up with back around 2013.

One: Get everyone you know to make a Harlem Shake video. Your whole office, your friend group, everyone. We all knew by video three hundred it was completely dead, but there was something about participating in something that stupid on purpose. Two: Buy Google Glass. Drop fifteen hundred dollars on glasses that made you look like a cyborg and that absolutely nobody wanted. Three: Spend Sunday mainlining Red Bulls and watching the Oscars ceremony, then power through every Best Picture nominee back-to-back until your brain completely short-circuits.

Four: Call your exes drunk at 4 AM and ask if they want to fuck. Keep dialing and statistically someone will say yes. Five: Start eating lasagna again. No reason. Just lasagna. Six: Get in some kind of stupid confrontation with a stranger and hope they teach you something useful. Seven: Get a meme tattooed on your body. Something from 9GAG that will look worse every year. Grumpy Cat. That’s The Evilest Thing. Something eternally idiotic.

Eight: Track down everyone who was naked in Bravo magazine back in the 90s and call them up to see what they’re doing now. Maybe invite them for coffee. Nine: Completely unlearn how to read. Then all the garbage coming at you from billboards, the weird letters, the pointless articles—none of it would touch you anymore. You’d be free again, like kindergarten when everything was just shapes and colors and nobody expected anything from you.

Ten never existed. By then I was already too tired to think of a tenth thing.