Weekend Missions

The weekend’s almost here and that’s the only reason nobody’s thrown themselves under the U-Bahn yet. Here’s what I think the weekend should be: find those t-shirts with crude slogans and slip them onto some kid before their parents notice. Read an article about happy facts and see if it actually makes you feel better. Grab your pet, drive it to another city, trade it for any random animal, come home and swear you’ve always owned a striped pony named Bello.

Have anal sex and genuinely enjoy it. Sneak poppers onto your mom’s shopping list. Tell every person you know a completely different wild secret—one thinks you’re pregnant, another finds out you’re gay, someone else gets the story about having two dicks or your dog raping you in your sleep or that you watch My Little Pony reruns or that you like pissing in little kids’ shoes. Watch who cracks first. Eat nothing but blue food all weekend. And somehow, this weekend also: convince a total stranger to send you nudes. Not the creepy forty-five-year-old perverts from chat rooms.

Scribble all over every plant you find with a black marker. Find the most disgusting guy on the train, give him your real phone number, lean in and whisper See you later, stud. Send me pictures of cheesecake.