Pixel Porn: Beyond Earth
When I was a kid I used to lie awake imagining aliens visiting Earth, arriving with technology and magic and whatever, transforming this boring world into something better. We’d be best friends, me and these misunderstood creatures. Then I played Civilization: Beyond Earth and now I just want to vaporize the slimy bastards.
God knows I was hyped for this game. After dumping an estimated twelve years into Civilization V, I couldn’t stand looking at those dead historical figures anymore—Napoleon, Gandhi, Washington. I wanted more. More than Earth. I wanted to rule the universe.
The premise is simple: Earth’s so polluted and packed that various international factions shoot rockets full of colonists to a distant planet. They’re supposed to build a new civilization there. Hence the title. You land in dense jungle. Around you crawl slimy bugs and enormous worms. A mutated jellyfish waves from the beach. Green smoke rises in the distance. Congratulations: there’s no going back.
If you’re a hollow person whom Call of Duty has emptied of all critical thought, the next hundred hours are basically: one more turn, one more turn, one more turn, endlessly until something inside you breaks. But if you’re like me—someone pathetically born into an era where ruling the universe isn’t an actual career—you get to live out perverted power fantasies here that most games won’t let you touch. My name is Marcel and you’re all my subjects.
I started out wanting to befriend the aliens. After a while they got so far under my skin that I embraced purity
and wiped out everything with more than two legs. Africa and some American grandmother had already worn me out. More cities, more cities, my empire growing and growing, and I almost came just thinking about it.
But Beyond Earth has three real problems. First, the quotes. In the old games you’d get genuinely historical ones that made you feel like you were actually moving through human history. Now your advisors hit you with made-up bullshit every time you unlock something. Long-winded corporate gobbledygook explaining that you’ve discovered a technology to make solar collection drones more efficient. Who cares. They should’ve spent that writing effort somewhere useful.
Like problem two: there’s barely anything to do. Coming from Civ V drowned in expansions, you land on this new planet and suddenly you’re bored. Yeah, you can dig around a bit, fight a bit, trade a bit. But only eight civilizations? Bland wonders and annoying satellite probes? It’s thin.
And three: the AI is still maddening. Either braindead or unbeatable. Worst is when it takes control of a city you built in your own territory and suddenly starts expanding onto tiles you didn’t want it to touch. The new city just decides itself where to spread, and of course it avoids the copper deposits and alien resources you need and grabs everything useless, leaving the good stuff for your enemies. It’s infuriating. Sometimes total war is the only answer.
I get why serious fans see Beyond Earth as Civ V stripped down and painted green. I see it too. It’ll probably only feel complete after two or three expansions, which means dumping more money in and doing the whole thing again. Standard practice now.
But I love the head rush when I boot it up, when I settle in and click through a few hundred turns into the night. If I’m going to be a tyrant over anything, might as well be a digital universe. And if we ever do get catapulted onto an alien planet, at least I’ll know how to handle it. Maybe I’ll even befriend the aliens by then. Until that day comes, I’ll keep vaporizing them virtually instead.