Still Waiting

In ninth grade my best friend Marc handed me three CDs full of porn. First one was those teen videos—thirty-year-old prostitutes in pigtails and school uniforms. Second was terrible quality Dolly Buster files, basically unwatchable. The last disc was packed with hundreds of megabytes of naked old women, the kind you’d see advertised late-night on TV—”Call us!” I actually went through some of it. Some of them weren’t terrible to look at, even for eighty-five. But it did nothing for me.

So I’m looking at this photo of Madonna and it hits the same way. Her body is objectively impressive—tits still there, still somehow perky, the surgery actually works. If I was into older women, this would be my paradise. But I’m not. It leaves me cold.

I’m waiting for Selena Gomez nudes instead.