Virtuous for Thirty Seconds

Thought I had it figured out for a second. Steamed salmon, green beans, a touch of soy sauce—the whole thing felt virtuous, like maybe I was becoming someone who actually kept at this. Then Boston Pizza released their six-layer pizza cake and I spent thirty seconds remembering exactly who I am.

It’s a real thing. Pizza and cake stacked together, six layers of cheese and sauce and crust and frosting in some combination that shouldn’t work but does. I saw the photo and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Can’t now. I’ve made a point of not looking up the calorie count, which would be a mistake—that knowledge would turn it from a funny curiosity into an actual moral question.

You know how it works. You’re on track. You’re doing the thing. Then the internet shows you something like this and the whole operation falls apart. The truth is it’ll happen again next week and I’ll be just as helpless about it.