Cobra Club: Perfecting the Dick Pic

I have this habit late at night—scrolling through old contacts, half-horny and bored. There’s that girl from my friend’s party, someone I’d talked to a few times. The idea arrives fully formed: send her a picture of my dick. She’ll be shocked, impressed maybe. Except she won’t be. She’ll ignore it completely. And that’s when the brain weasels kick in. Obviously the problem wasn’t the stupid idea. The problem was execution. Bad angle. Bad lighting. I didn’t present it right.

Cobra Club exists to fix exactly this. It’s a game on Windows, Mac, and Linux built around the supposed art of photographing your genitals in their best light. Digital strangers evaluate your work in a simulated chat—rating the length, the girth, the angle—and coach you toward the perfect shot. As if that was ever actually the problem.

The game is clearly absurdist satire. But it’s so literally true to how some guy brains work that it loops back into something sincere. Maybe your dick does just need better lighting and a better angle. Maybe that’s actually been the problem the whole time.

Maybe I should finally try.