Hairy, Fluffy, Wet

My third real friend was Jörg, sophomore year. He wore lip gloss and shaved his armpits completely smooth, which didn’t seem that weird at the time because a few guys at school had gotten metrosexual after David Beckham made it a thing. We dated for two months. Then he told me he was gay. We never slept together, but a few times he fingered me, and he was really bad at it. I thought it was because he was inexperienced. But no—he just couldn’t do anything with a pussy.

Until then I’d never really thought about gay guys and vaginas in the same sentence. I assumed the only connection was birth and then nothing. I had no way of knowing that YouTube would eventually create a genre around putting the two together. But here we are, watching gay guys squirm and shriek while looking at a woman’s vagina without throwing up.

Some lesbian couple posts these joke videos where they film gay men touching a vagina for the first time. What unfolds is predictable enough: warm guys completely lost in front of someone else’s warm, wet opening. It’s hairy, fluffy, totally different from what they’re used to. The whole thing is awkward as hell, which makes it funny. And now I finally understand why Jörg was such a shit fingerer.