I’m Definitely Squidward

SpongeBob’s one of those childhood characters you’d actually want to murder as an adult. I used to admire the guy—his genuine joy in everything, the way he found meaning in jellyfish and burgers, his absolute inability to be cynical. I wanted to be him. Now I’m pretty sure I’d be Squidward, the only one in that show with any sense. I’d want to bury him and Patrick both somewhere quiet and forget they existed.

Vans did a SpongeBob thing with Nickelodeon—sneakers, shirts, skatedecks, all of it. I looked through the collection the way you look at old photos from high school, which is mostly affection mixed with something harder to name. These are things made for kids who still believe what SpongeBob believes. There I was, scrolling through, remembering when yellow and pure happiness seemed like enough.

You can’t get that back. He doesn’t change. You do. And the gap’s permanent.