Did You Come?
Right after, when you’re both still sweaty and you ask anyway: did you come? And you already know from how she moves, how she avoids your eyes, whether this is going to be a lie or something that lands wrong. Both feel bad.
A German study asked five thousand men and women about the pressure—what they call Orgasmusdruck, the weight you carry during sex. Turns out most of us feel it. I feel it. This sense that her coming is mine to deliver, that it’s the accomplishment I need to prove I know what I’m doing. But her body doesn’t keep score the way mine does.
Most women don’t come from regular sex. They need something different—direct clitoral stimulation, usually, or manual stuff, or a toy. Most men, me included, come from the standard motion without much trouble. So there’s this basic mismatch in how our bodies respond, and instead of accepting it, we’ve turned it into something women need to fix about themselves. We’ve created pressure where there only needed to be reality.
What happens is she ends up lying. Two-thirds of women have faked an orgasm at some point. One in ten does it all the time. And they’re not being cruel or trying to wound you—they’re just done. Done with the session, done with the weight of being inside someone else’s insecurity, done with making you feel better about your performance at the expense of feeling anything herself.
I’ve been that guy. Made people feel broken because they didn’t come the way I thought they should. Treated their body like a problem I needed to engineer instead of just asking what actually works. It’s easy to say the solution is communication, to just ask, to listen—and that’s true—but it’s harder when you’ve spent years convinced that your value lies in making her come, that anything else is failure.
The sad part is most people would actually rather be honest. Most women would tell you what they need if you asked without freaking out. But we’ve made it so unspeakable that she lies instead, and you doubt everything, and both of you are performing these roles instead of just being there. And nobody wants it this way, but we kept doing it anyway.