Two Thousand, Six Hundred and One Euros

A friend named Thomi sent me a sin calculator—one of those web quizzes where you tick your transgressions and it assigns them a cash value. My total came to €2,601.13. I’d need a full week off just to get through confession. Nobody’s shaking my hand without a suspicious look ever again.

A partial audit: drugs, €20. Lying through my teeth on a regular basis, €15. Waking up in the morning with absolutely no idea who was next to me, €75. Sex in a church, €100. Being involved with more than one person at the same time, €200. Hiding a bad grade from my parents, €30. Filming a dirty home video, €15. And the most damning line item of all: stealing fruit, €0.05.

Now you go.