The Perverts Found Me Again
Every few months I look at the search terms that landed people on this site and feel a complicated mixture of pride and concern. Volume nine of this tradition does not disappoint. Someone arrived searching for naked pictures of ugly girls. Someone else, apparently during a school lunch break, concluded that the only people at their school are disabled sluts. A third soul sought images of intersex people without clothes, which at least has a kind of anatomical curiosity to it. Then there’s the person who searched for "boyfriend is a fish," which is either poetry or a cry for help, and I genuinely cannot tell which.
The sexual ones follow a predictable taxonomy of escalation. Hairy genitals. Rent a porn star. Sex with an amputated leg. Continuous blowjob. Anal sex with anorexics. Glass in the ass. A full itemized list of things girls allegedly insert into various orifices. LSD prostitutes, which sounds like a band name. Animal sex with bulls. Fucking goats. The stepmother who shows up naked to a birthday party. Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone asked "what is there to consider for animal sex?"—the careful, methodical phrasing of a person who does their research before committing—and someone else typed "grandpa stuck it in me," which I hope was a reference to a film and will continue to believe was a reference to a film.
But the ones that stay with me are the outliers suggesting an entirely different kind of lostness. "Do you want world domination or a cake?" Why did Google lead you here with that? "Will Linux survive?" Probably, but unclear why you’re asking a site that also serves the goat-fucking demographic. "When is summer in Brazil?" December, friend. "My heart hates you"—no search intent whatsoever, just a feeling launched into the internet like a stone into a lake. "Is Hannah ugly?" I don’t know who Hannah is. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what answer you were hoping to find. And whoever snitched on their boss to the tax office using this site as a waypoint: I respect the chaos, but please don’t involve me next time.