The Annual Parade of Beautiful Chaos

Germany’s Next Topmodel is back, which means Twitter is currently a wall of live commentary from people who claim not to watch it until they’re suddenly very online about fake tits and hair theft. I am absolutely one of those people. Heidi Klum herds another crop of hungry, rail-thin women through a gauntlet of increasingly absurd challenges while the nation either sneers or secretly picks favorites. I have mine already.

Tessa has my attention this season—something about her is more interesting than the usual cast of interchangeable jawlines. The show rewards a specific kind of marketable blankness, so anyone with actual personality either wins dramatically or gets cut for being difficult. I’m rooting for the former. There’s always a bungee-jumping episode where someone loses their composure spectacularly, and this year I expect nothing less.

As for the blonde I wanted to advance past the first cut: no idea. I looked out the window at exactly the wrong moment and missed the announcement entirely. Idiot.