Everything the Human Body Will Fuck If Given Half a Chance

Humanity will penetrate more or less anything that holds still long enough. Cucumbers, bottles, whatever’s in the drawer—if there’s a cavity or even just an optimistic interpretation of geometry, someone has tried it. This is not a judgment. This is just a species that built the space shuttle and the Fleshlight and felt fine about both.

Vice magazine—never a publication that walked past a transgression it could sprint toward instead—ran a piece where their staff tested various household objects as masturbatory aids, apparently inspired by Milow’s cover of "Ayo Technology." Which is, when you think about it, a completely logical chain of reasoning. The toothbrush vibrated. The cucumber broke. Everything was rated with the exhausted professionalism of a consumer review, conducted, as these things always are, in the name of science.

There’s a version of this that’s just gross, and a version that’s funny precisely because it takes something furtive and private and applies a product-review framework to it. Vice at its best was always the latter. American Pie made the same joke in 1999 and it still lands, which probably tells you more about the consistency of human sexuality than any of the cucumbers.