A Perfect Life, Rendered in Low Poly

Being essentially the reincarnation of an IKEA lamp—no independent existence to speak of—I turned to The Sims 3 to fill the void. The game had just come out and was already creeping toward extortion in price, but I installed it and built myself the kind of life I clearly wasn’t going to achieve through actual effort: successful doctor, seaside villa, and Nora Tschirner as my wife.

Nora Tschirner—German actress, musician, cultural fixture—makes a very convincing Sim. I gave her a Pulitzer-worthy journalistic career and a personality I’d describe as warm but demanding, which tracks. Our daughter Nami, a redhead, is objectively the best Sim child I have ever generated. I disabled aging immediately, because why would anyone enable it.

The Sims 3 improves on The Sims 2 in the usual sequel ways: better graphics, more options, a slightly more coherent world to move through. What it cannot improve upon is the nude patch currently floating around online, which I installed and instantly regretted—not on moral grounds but because of what it revealed: my Sim had nothing below the waist, and Nora was nippleless. The elaborate domestic fantasy collapsed in the face of anatomical disappointment.

I dealt with this the way most people deal with deep simulated despair: I started drowning neighbors in the swimming pool. Working my way through the entire city. You take your catharsis where you can find it.