Everything Is a Plot (Ask Jane Bürgermeister)
Jane Bürgermeister—journalist, amateur detective, woman of singular conviction—filed a criminal complaint in 2009 against the WHO, the United Nations, Barack Obama, and, in what I can only describe as a historically ambitious swing, basically the entire pharmaceutical infrastructure of the Western world. Her allegation: that both avian flu and swine flu had been deliberately engineered in secret laboratories and released into the population, with mandatory mass vaccination programs to follow designed to selectively exterminate the less economically productive segments of humanity. Novartis—whose flu vaccine had allegedly already killed twenty-one homeless people in Poland and one ferret—and Baxter, who had apparently misplaced seventy-two kilograms of viral material (not the misplace you do with your keys, the other kind), were named as willing instruments.
Michael Jackson, she maintained, had been a close confidant. A passionate anti-vaccine activist who had long believed the government was systematically poisoning humanity—which also, she noted, explained the surgical mask. The CIA had terminated him with a directed energy weapon before he could go public.
Now. None of this is true. But there’s something almost structurally beautiful about a conspiracy theory that assigns coherent purpose to the ambient awfulness of institutional power. The WHO isn’t just underfunded and paralyzed by bureaucracy—it’s evil. Pharmaceutical companies aren’t merely negligent and profit-obsessed—they’re actively murderous. Barack Obama isn’t a politician making compromises under impossible pressure—he’s personally coordinating a population cull. Everything connects. Everything has a villain. The chaos resolves into a plan, which is perversely comforting, because a plan implies that someone, somewhere, is in control of something.
You know it won’t fix anything, believing it. But you go anyway—all the way to the end of the logic, past the ferrets and the plasma weapons and the blood-tainted vaccines, out the other side where everything terrible happens on purpose and at least that makes a kind of sense.
I was going to conclude with something measured, but it appears someone has come to the door. Very official-looking. They want to discuss this post specifically, which seems—wait, what do you mean "shut it down"? This is a personal site, you can’t just—who authorized—that’s my—HELP—ahh—no—wahhh—