Confuse Them Into Liking You

Here is the best opener in the world. It works on any gender, in any setting—a bar, a coffee queue, a university hallway at 9am when everyone is miserable. I believe in this sincerely and without reservation.

You look at the person. You adopt a slightly puzzled expression—not a grin, not a smirk, genuinely puzzled, like something is bothering you that you can’t quite name. Then you ask: Wait—isn’t your name actually a kind of cookie? Or a cake? Something sweet?

They will say: what? No? What are you talking about? And then you say: I don’t know, I can’t explain it—your name just has this sort of sweet, edible quality to it. I’m probably overthinking it.

That’s the whole thing. That’s the pickup line. They have to smile—it’s involuntary. You’ve essentially called someone delicious while maintaining complete deniability through sheer absurdity. If they don’t smile, either they’re a robot or their grandmother just died, and either way you should back away slowly. Otherwise, you’re in.

I expect to be invited to the wedding. Just give me enough notice to get a suit.