The Perverts Have Logged On, Vol. 7

Search engines are honest in a way that people aren’t. You can lie to your friends, your therapist, your partner—but you don’t lie to Google. You type the actual thing, at whatever hour, with no performance of decency. Which is why this blog’s search logs read like a confessional booth staffed entirely by the horny, the confused, and the genuinely unwell.

Volume seven. The queries that brought strangers here this time include: how to convince your parents to let you go to a music festival, which is almost sweet. How tall is Palina Rojinski. Gay men sunbathing in Berlin. Bouncing small breasts. Little Lilly fucks her best friend’s father. Horny ladies from Lower Bavaria. Bambi, where were you. Hot sex with disabled people. Women inserting feces into themselves. Naked Swedish girls. Doctor games in the nursery. Lose weight like Keira Knightley. Sexy emos. Fuck metrosexual—I’m going to chop wood now. Rent a porn star. Go mow the lawn. Family mattress fucked by everyone.

Then the second wave: what does "paffen" mean, asked twice by two different people who apparently couldn’t just look it up. Free no-registration porn of breastfeeding women. Is Emma Watson shaved. Bouncing tits. Emma Watson with a cucumber in her vagina. Hentai Bambi. Is Pink English or American. Free photos of retired porn stars. Vaginal nerves. Cobra in gothic lettering. I came home from school and found my mother having sex with the mailman. Seduced by my sister’s boyfriend. What’s the best Oakley. Running robot. Only vanilla sex. Sexy piece of shit. Lady Gaga topless. How do men think about their exes.

Every one of these people ended up here. Whatever this notebook is, it apparently rhymes with all of it—the curious, the horny, the absurd, and the things you’d never say out loud. I can’t decide if that’s a problem or just the most accurate description of what this corner of the internet actually is.