A Field Guide to Tumblr Filth, Organized by Severity

If you belong to that pitiful subspecies of total nerd—the kind whose knowledge of female anatomy comes exclusively from the internet, who spends their evenings coding websites and grinding MMO characters instead of interacting with human beings—then first: get yourself to a gym. Second: stop wasting what little free time you have searching blindly for pink slits online. You have me for that. I live in the dark internet the way other people live in cities—constantly, without apology—and so I present the definitive three-tier hierarchy of the most worthwhile Tumblr blogs in existence. Come along. Or just come. Either way.

Level One: Faces. Starting slow, as you do. Blogs like Dead Girls, Fuck Yeah Skinny Bitch, and Skinny Dream deliver photographs and self-portraits of young women who appear to subsist on the thought of food and still manage to look extraordinary. Dirty Little Style Whore and Distillation run in the same school. MCSG SYM handles the Japanese end of things, Heroines tilts toward art, and Blue Pony is for when you want something warm to fall asleep to.

Level Two: Tits. This is, demographically speaking, the first living chest several of you have ever seen. Okgirls, SexSets, and Hot Chicks In Panties—sometimes a title does all the work so the blogger doesn’t have to. Not ready for the final level? Yimmys Yayo and Looklook are decent pit stops. No shame in lingering.

Level Three: Cunts. The premium tier. Clothing doesn’t survive at this depth. WareHouse, That Hipster Porn, and Tendres Cousines are notorious for good reason, sharing a philosophy with Fuck Me Like That, SEXTR, and Bend Me Over. Nothing held back. Nothing withheld. You’ve arrived.

Sleep should present no difficulties now. If you’ve got Tumblr discoveries I haven’t covered, the comments exist for exactly this purpose—fresh material is always appreciated. Invest in screen cleaner. Goodnight.