Is the Red Power Ranger Gay?
January, apparently, is when everyone gets weird online. Or maybe people are always this weird and January just strips away the pretense. Either way, looking at the search queries that landed strangers on this journal over the past few weeks is like reading the uncensored confession of the entire internet—the part that never makes it into anyone’s profile description.
The bulk is exactly what you’d expect. Someone wants to see Mischa Barton naked. Someone else wants Lindsay Lohan’s pussy. Emma Watson gets searched multiple times, including once specifically for her pubic hair, which is a level of precision I find genuinely impressive. Kaya Scodelario naked in pictures. Lily Allen naked. Redheaded vaginas. Tattooed tits. Hairy genitals. Skinny girls with pierced tits. The ugliest pussies. Photos of wide vaginas. What kinds of vaginas are there? Lily Cole isn’t pretty.
Then it gets stranger. Porn on air mattresses. Sex in the outdoor pool. Horny naked cleaning ladies in a shop. Stepping in shit in high heels. Beer-flavored lip balm. A bong in a pussy. You must put the walnut in the walnut hole. Looking at duck masks. Anorexic naked women. A woman vomiting. What is the meaning of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance? A foot fetishist at fourteen. Fur pussy. Women in sneakers.
And then the ones that read like genuine cries into the void: need something to fuck in Berlin. I hate couples. My longing is sex with Hannah. My twin sister walked in while I was naked. My sexy little sister. Naked friendship. Anna is lying naked in the grass. I’ve sinned. My ex-slut. My muff is gone. Man bleeds during sex. Why do I freak out when my partner drinks just one beer?
Interspersed with all of this: pizza with extra cheese. How do you smoke without getting caught?
And then, quietly, at the end: is the red Power Ranger gay?
That one I actually want to answer. Everyone else here is running some fairly standard human darkness—lust, loneliness, weird fixations, the predictable need to see famous women undressed. But this person wants to know about the red Power Ranger. Maybe they’re twelve. Maybe they’re thirty-two and it just occurred to them. Either way, they came here looking for something and I have nothing to offer. I hope they found what they needed somewhere else.