Kiwi or Banana
Readers will ask anything, given a channel and enough anonymity. Why don’t penguins have kneecaps? Because they traded them for the suits—obviously. How do you remove a "keep off the grass" sign from actual grass? With a rifle. These are the questions that arrive when you open yourself up to the internet, and I’ve decided I find this more interesting than annoying.
Someone wanted to know my relationship status and what it would actually take to land me for something real. Short version: single, not urgently fixing that. Slightly longer version: if you’re tall, have a sense of humor that doesn’t require explanation, own at least one leather jacket, and haven’t described yourself as "passionate about travel" in the last calendar year, you’re already ahead of the field. Tattoos and general restlessness are a bonus. The kamikaze pilots question arrived in the same batch—why do they wear helmets? Because those were from last season’s collection and they needed moving.
On whether I feel superior to smaller, less-known bloggers: I feel superior to shorter people generally. If they come at me with attitude, I retain the theoretical option of spitting on their head. This is sufficient comfort. What am I listening to? Everything that charted in Australia between positions 30 and 70 in 1993. That’s not a joke, and I’ll elaborate if pressed.
Someone asked when I first started masturbating. Yesterday, approximately half past two in the afternoon, while Pokémon was on in the background. Someone else asked about razor burn—dry shave over wet, cut anything with parabens or alcohol out of your routine, don’t wear tight collars. Practical questions deserve practical answers. And someone wanted to know what to do when things go anatomically sideways during sex. My advice: photograph it first, then warm water. It worked on stuck dogs. The principle presumably scales.
Why is every contestant on this season of Big Brother terrible? Because that was also true across the previous nine seasons, and at a certain point you stop calling it a failure and start calling it a tradition. And the eternal question, the one that keeps coming back: kiwi or banana? Whichever one slides better.