Ten Things to Do Before Monday Arrives

The flu’s going around and I say weaponize it—drag as many friends into the collective misery as possible and then celebrate properly. If that doesn’t appeal, dig yourself two hundred meters into warm earth and wait for CNN. Draw a mustache on your face in permanent marker and shout at anyone who doesn’t respect the commitment. Move your ass. Start your own video game company—Game Dev Story will walk you through it—and once you’ve made your first million, take a ceremonial shit on Nintendo’s doorstep.

Cry on the street this weekend, in public. The combination of liberation and acute embarrassment is worth it every time. Dress entirely in black now that winter’s arriving, because color has no place in the cold and it’s time to let it go. Sleep with Avril Lavigne, since apparently everyone already has. At the next house party, piss on your girlfriend’s dog and chase it through every room; the atmosphere will change in ways no candle ever managed. And spend a full day with Crystal Fighters’ "Swallow" on repeat until you remember just how important swallowing really is.