The Weekend, as God Intended

Friday again. The week finally liquefies and for two whole days there’s nothing between you and pure unstructured time. Here’s what to do with it.

Disguise yourself as unclaimed luggage—position yourself outside a train terminal, an airport, or a Christmas market and wait. The response is guaranteed to be memorable and Dad gets to play the hero for the first time in years. Marry a Barbie doll if you haven’t already: pleasant company, consistent aesthetics, genuinely terrible at arguing. Water your houseplants before they turn on you at night; plants keep score and they have nothing but time. Sit through a full day of children’s television and feel, somewhere behind your sternum, pure grateful relief at no longer being a child. Cast Hannah in a zombie film—she wants it, she’d be brilliant, and she will not stop until someone does.

Heinz curry mango sauce on everything—lunch, dinner, possibly breakfast—the effect on food quality is real and nobody in nutritional science will ever explain why. Sleep with Kate Middleton now, before the engagement closes that door permanently. Get a receipt from your dealer: consumer rights apply regardless of product category, and the returns process matters when quality control is inconsistent. Eat only vegetables for a year, use alcohol to accelerate the metabolic chaos, and come out the other side lean in the way that confuses people who knew you before. Buy new Chucks. Yours are finished and everyone can see it.