Ten Things to Do Before Monday Ruins Everything

The weather is just the weather. Every conversation that starts there kills two kittens somewhere. So here, instead, are ten better uses of a weekend.

One: get your girlfriend drunk on Jägermeister and leave her passed out in a wedding dress in front of an altar. Two: go to the Last Days of Courtney Love party in Berlin and decide on the next theme—Last Days of Emma Watson? Last Days of the Lightbulb? Employee Discount? Your call. Three: download Steam and spend an entire session of Battlefield: Bad Company 2 exclusively shooting your own teammates. Four: do something unspeakable with the vacuum cleaner and post the photos on Facebook. Five: drink two liters of water a day. It’s healthy. Someone said so once.

Six: watch "Confessions of a Hipster" online and film your reaction, which should include the ceremonial burning of your thick-framed glasses, a MGMT album, and whatever is left of your ironic self. Seven: go to Africa, just for fun. Eight: call your weird uncle and tell him about your adventures in the school bathroom. Nine: steal a piece of gum from a corner shop, then return it with a tearful story about a broken family, a dead pet, and an amputated grandmother. Ten: squeeze into your old Sailor Moon costume from middle school and bring love and justice to the subway.

Have fun. Don’t die.