Weekend Missions

The weather’s going to be terrible and complaining about it is just small talk anyway, so better to have actual stupid things to do instead. Here’s the plan if you’re desperate for a weekend.

Get someone drunk on cheap liqueur and convince them to wear a wedding dress for photos because that joke never quite gets old. There’s usually a party happening somewhere with some theme everyone will forget by Monday anyway. Go to that. Download a shooter and spend the whole time blasting your own team. Waste an afternoon filling a bathtub with random shit and taking pictures of it. Drink water constantly like hydration is going to save you from something.

Watch whatever video everyone’s been sharing—something about hipsters or indie kids or whatever—and get the urge to make a reaction video where you burn your glasses on camera and publicly destroy your own credibility. Call your uncle Udo, the perverted one. Tell him something from the school bathroom. Steal something small from the supermarket and walk it back to the counter with an elaborate story about dead pets and severed limbs to see if anyone even notices the absurdity.

Or just pull out the Sailor Moon costume from when you were thirteen and wear it on the train. Let them stare. It’s not meaningful, it’s just what you do when a Saturday afternoon feels like it needs something to justify it.