Sora Aoi Will Save the World

Forget everything you believe about what matters in cinema. Takao Nakano’s The Big Tits Zombie 3D—known in Japan as Kyonyu Dragon: Onsen Zombie vs. Stripper 5, if you want the full ceremonial weight of the title—is about a group of Japanese strippers who discover a cursed book and accidentally trigger the zombie apocalypse. One of them becomes queen of the undead. Sora Aoi, AV icon, must then save the world using, in essence, her chest. That’s the whole plot. That’s all of it.

I’ve sat through a lot of cinema. Films that were important and films that were challenging and films that left me staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what I was supposed to feel. None of it prepared me for the specific joy of learning this film exists. There’s something almost pure about a premise this committed to its own absurdity—it loops back around and becomes sincere. A zombie apocalypse started by strippers and ended by breasts is, structurally, a myth. I am not joking.

The 3D claim I’m skeptical of. I don’t care at all. The DVD will deliver what it delivers, and I will be there for it with my pants situation already addressed in advance.