Taken, Topless, and Distracted

Lourdes Leon launched a fashion blog at thirteen and immediately racked up 800 comments and 500 Facebook likes. The blog covers trends, the eighties, and her famous mother—which means she basically inherited the entire Material Girl mythology and deployed it before finishing middle school. I don’t know whether that’s impressive or slightly horrifying. Both, probably, with the proportions shifting depending on my mood.

Megan Fox married Brian Austin Green in Hawaii and is therefore off the market, which I choose to take personally. What she actually does for a living remains a mystery that the word "acting" barely covers, but none of that ever mattered. She’s gone. Committed. I’m devastated in the theatrical way I reserve for things that were never going to happen anyway.

Katy Perry appeared in Esquire’s British edition wearing latex underwear, heels, and a necklace. That’s the complete inventory of clothing. The photo shoot trajectory at that point had a very clear destination and I had absolutely no complaints about the direction of travel.

Emma Watson showed up in a music video for One Night Only, the band fronted by her boyfriend George Craig at the time. She plays some kind of displaced young goddess. It’s charming. It’s also exactly the wrong allocation of energy—there was a Dark Lord to deal with, and muggle entanglements were not helping her focus.